


They're All So Sad Why

by Littlemissmimi



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Asexual Connor, Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Moves slowly, My First Fanfic, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, a lot of fluff, god too much fluff, i tried lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-01-27 12:26:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12581888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlemissmimi/pseuds/Littlemissmimi
Summary: Evan knew he was worthless. It had been confirmed by others, and, more importantly himself. Connor can see Evan thinks this, and decides to prove him wrong.Also Jared's an abusive little fuck but it's not too bad.A lot of sad layered on sad layered on sad.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Evan knew he was worthless. It had been confirmed by others, and, more importantly himself. Connor can see Evan thinks this, and decides to prove him wrong.
> 
> Also Jared's an abusive little fuck but it's not too bad.  
> A lot of sad layered on sad layered on sad.

    “I'm- I- Sorry.” Even ended up mumbling to the tall boy looming over him. He didn't know what he did to upset the beautiful young man, but it was probably something horrible. Evan always managed to do something horrible.

 

    Connor looked down as soon as Evan spoke, ready to shoot off a reply to what must have been something muttered in anger, but the words registered in his mind first, causing him to pause. Evan was sorry? Because Connor pushed him down? For the first time, Connor really looked at him. Sure he had seen the boy before, and he spent quite some time glaring at him while he shouted about the letter, the letter that was supposed to creep Connor out, the letter that was supposed to make Connor more of an outcast than he already was, _Right?_ But for the first time, he looked deeply into his eyes and didn't see what he expected. He didn't see the disgust. He didn't see the disappointment. He didn't even see the anger

   He just saw fear. He saw a hint of sadness as well. There was also bit of something else that Connor recognized far too easily. The boy really was sorry, but more than that, Evan was like him. Evan was not okay.

    Connor slowly, as if in a trance, reached down a hand to help Evan up and watched as the boy flinched slightly as the hand got closer. Not because he was scared of Connor specifically. The boy was just scared of everything. When the hand moved no farther than just into Evan’s reach, no move was made to grab it. He didn't let himself be helped up, he just stared at the hand. Waiting for something more. Waiting for a reason.

    “I'm trying to help you up.” Connor stated bluntly, looking at Evan expectantly. “O-Oh. I'm sorry... Why?” The reply was barely a whisper, just like his first statement. Connor wasn't quite sure how to reply, but before he could make an attempt Evan continued. “Or, I mean, not why. T-that was rude I'm s-so-sorry, I just.  I don't really mind. I- I can get up on my. You don't have to, it was m-my fault anyway so” Evan’s rambling trailed off softly. “Sorry.”

    “You do that a lot, don't you?”

    “I- I do what?” Evan squeaked out. He stared at the ground seeming to contemplate very action he had done up to this point in his life. “You apologize. It's okay though, you didn't do anything wrong,” Connor rushed to say before the boy could get too lost in his own thoughts.

    “Sorry.”

    Evan finally took Connor’s hand allowing himself to be helped up. When Evan was standing safely up, Connor asked the question that had been on his mind since he saw those eyes. “Why did you write that letter?”

    Evan looked like he regretted standing up. The question would have been far easier to avoid if he had the option of distracting himself with the uncomfortable position. This was why Connor had waited so long to ask.

    “Y-You thought it was to. You th-thought I was planning to make fun of y-you.” “I don’t think that anymore. That’s why I’m asking.” “O-Oh.” Connor looked at him expectantly. “Why did you write the letter?” It was softer this time, tentative. Evan looked like he was starting to panic. “It-ItwasanassignmentfrommytherapistIddidn’tseeyouinhereimsorry.” The words flew out so fast Connor barely heard them. He managed to catch something sounding like “assignment” “therapy” and another apology. He understood.

    “Oh.” This was all Connor could say. He wasn’t particularly surprised by the news - well, it made sense to him. But, the boy had a therapist. Connor was right in what he saw in the sad, soulful eyes of this angel. And maybe this was a stretch, maybe Connor shouldn't have pushed so much, but he was worried. If even this sweet, innocent boy wasn’t happy, what chance did Connor have? And what right did he have to make it worse? How Connor wished he could take back those first words. How he wished he could take back that first push.

    Connor stared at Evan incredulously. Partly because he was worried for the boy. Partly because he was disappointed in himself. The other part, however, was because had anybody mentioned that Evan was fucking adorable? His eyes were a soft, clear blue. His hair was an beautiful golden brown, and it looked like it were made to outlast the sun. And his hands. His hands were so soft, and small. They fit perfectly in Connor’s own. This was when he realized he was still grasping Evan’s hand. He slowly let go of it, immediately craving the gentle touch of that hand again. _Did Connor mention that he was really fucking gay?_

    Realising Evan was waiting for Connor to say something more in response to his outburst, Connor looked back up. “You don't have to be sorry for anything,” Connor whispered, voice unintentionally soft. “I'm sorry I pushed you.” This part came out quite a bit more firmly. Connor didn't regret much, but he did regret hurting Evan. Emotionally and physically.

“EVAN! WHAT’S TAKING SO LONG?” A voice called from the hall. A young man walked in through the entryway and looked at the pair. “Sorry. I’m coming.” Evan replied, seeming not quite right. In fact, he looked tired suddenly. He hadn’t looked so sad before, had he? Ever since the other boy entered the room Evan’s energy seemed to have been drained. He glanced at Connor, about to leave.

Connor’s thoughts started again, moving twice their original speed. _Good job Connor. The one person who might have actually been willing to talk to you and you managed to shove him down to the ground, make him question his worth, forced him to tell you something he didn’t want to share, and hold his hand for an awkward amount of time while you simply stared at him. Congratulations. You ruined everything. Again. Just don't say anything else and the situation might be salvageable._

    As he handed Evan back his letter, he whispered softly, “Would you like to get ice cream with me?” The words seemed so right slipping out of Connor’s mouth that he didn't think to stop them until it was too late. The surprised look on Evan’s face made him question how right they actually felt though.

    “Yes.” The word slipped out, surprising both Connor and Evan, and, looking behind them, surprising the other boy as well.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to have Connot be Asexual because I'm asexual, and therefore don't thunk I have the proper experience to write the boys doing... that. Also ace representation yo!

_Fuck. FUCK. Why'd you say that. Fuck. He was just trying to be polite. You fucking idiot Evan. Why'd you have to ruin this like everything else. And what about Jared. He waited for you. He expected you to come over. Why'd you say yes, you already had plans._ Needless to say, Evan was panicking. Breaking his intense stare-off with the floor, Evan peeked over to see Jared's expression.

Jared was staring at Evan. Analyzing him. Trying to figure him out. Evan wished he could help. He wished he could just explain anything to Jared, but, like always, Evan was useless.

 

Connor looked at Evan in surprise, letting the reply fully sink in. “You can bring him too if you want.” Connor added, desperately hoping this was the appropriate course of action.

“As if I'd want to hang out with you losers. The insanely cool Jared Kleinman is OUT. Have fun getting murdered Evan.” With that, the insanely annoying Jared Kleinman left, not bothering to wait for a reply.

“Is he always like that?” Connor questioned. “Well - I mean, k-kinda. I don't know...” Evan looked down to the side, his voice trailed off near the end of his reply. “Sounds tiring.” Connor tried to lift the mood in the room, but, being the social disaster he was, he seemed to have failed.

They sat in the silence for a while, neither needing conversation, but feeling awkward and bare without it. To Connor’s surprise, Evan was the one who broke the silence, “W-Where should we go?” His voice was barely a whisper, but Connor heard fine. He froze for a moment. _Where SHOULD we go?_ By the time Connor got this single thought into his head, Evan had already thought of a way he could have messed up and hurried to correct himself. “I mean I kn-know we’re getting ice cream, just I-I didn’t know where and” Evan’s eyes widened as he apparently realized something “OhnoIdonthaveanymoneybutIalreadysaidyesImsorryyouwewecoulddosomethingelseoryoudonthavetohangoutwithmeImsosorry” Evan, seemed to notice his own rambling and tightly shut his mouth begore anything else could escape. Frightened eyes looked towards Connor, who noticed Evan was starting to hyperventilate. A lot. “Woah, take a deep breath.” Evan didn’t respond, his eyes were now glazed over, probably thinking of more reasons he was wrong about something, anything he was wrong about. His face was starting to look a bit red. Connor gently, carefully put his hands on Evan’s shoulders. Evan finally looked AT Connor, muscles tense. “Hey just breathe with me, okay?” Evan gasped, and followed Connor’s breathing. In a few minutes his breathing was at a normal pace, if a bit uneven.

“Are you okay?” Connor gently asked. Evan barely whispered out a small “Yeah.” Very reassuring. “I don’t have any money with me.” The whisper was a bit louder, but still barely audible.

Connor hoped Evan wasn't always this nervous. This had to be, what, four big breakdowns in the 10 minutes Connor had talked to the kid. He knew he was intimidating, he just had hoped it wasn't quite this bad. Realizing that Evan was still guiltily staring at a spot on the floor Connor hurried to reply.

“I can pay”

See, that wasn't so hard. Connor could do this. He could be nice to this one person. Or, well, he could be nice starting now. He'd already kind of blown it earlier.

“Oh no, you- you don't have to do that. I- we- there's money at home um if we stopped or I could pay you back or”

“Hey, it's fine. I want to. Think of it as an apology for being a complete ass earlier.”

“I mean- you weren't that bad”

Connor looked at Evan with his a raised eyebrow

“I shoved you over a letter I wasn't even supposed to read, you have to admit that was a dick move”

“I really don't mind. It's fine.”

Connor just sighed. “Let's go get that ice cream. I'm paying.

 

Connor was… a surprisingly good driver. Sure, he ignored a few speed limits, or basic traffic laws, but hey, they hadn't died, and Evan only thought he was going to pass out once. Okay, so maybe he wasn't such a great driver, but compared to Jared, Connor drove like a scared old lady. How had either of them gotten their licenses in the first place? Oh well, it's not as though Evan cared.

When they finally pulled into A La Mode Evan could finally feel some of the stress of the day wearing off. It had been a long day, even without Connor reading his letter. His body was still sore from ‘falling’ out of a tree, and his arm ached. It had been a couple weeks, but apparently the bruising was worse than Evan had expected. To be fair, he didn't expect to feel anything after that.

Evan shuddered and pulled himself back to reality. Mostly. He still had a lot of confusing thoughts surrounding that day, but that was normal and he decided to leave that problem for another day, and another Evan. Hopefully a day that Evan was not in public. (Yes Evan just decided to procrastinate on working out his own suicidal thoughts, but anxiety can be like that. Either everything has to be done **right now** or absolutely cannot be dealt with for a few weeks. This time, Evan needed a few -more- weeks).

Looking up, Evan realized that Conner was out of the car and staring at him. With a quick glance around, Evan realised Connor was waiting for him to get out of the car. _Of course he wants you to get out of the car you idiot. What? Were you just planning on staying in here forever. Well if you're going to be completely useless anyway, you might as well finish what you tried to start. Wouldn't that just be so much easier?_

Struggling to shove the thoughts aside, Evan scrambled out of the car and slammed the door behind him. Oops. Looking around, his eyes met Connor’s and they headed into the building.

Connor must have visited this place a lot. Employees waved at the two, and the lady at the front greeted him by name.

“Connor! It's been too long! We've missed you around here. I hope your being gone means that you've actually been to school lately.”

At this the lady started laughing like the very idea of Connor in a school was ridiculous. Connor shrunk back slightly from the laughter.

“You've never brought one of your friends here before! I knew all that nagging would do some good in the end!”

“You know there's a reason I haven't been by lately.” Connor snapped.

“And you know there's a reason you won't avoid us for long. There aren't many places in this town that won't report kids ditching school.”

Connor scowled at her, but said no more. She wasn't even phased.

“So what can I get you two cuties?”

Connor’s scowl turned to a full out glare. “Same as always Karen.”

“Really? You aren't sick of that yet?”

“Not quite” Connor bit back.

Evan wasn't sure why Connor seemed so mad. Yes this ‘Karen’ seemed a bit pushy, but she wasn't really that bad. Deciding it was none of his business Evan tried to focus his attention elsewhere. Like how Karen had now turned towards him, and was giving him the exact kind of look Evan hated most. Like she had expectations for him and they weren't being met.

Evan realized he was supposed to order. _Shit_. This is exactly the kind of situation he had wanted to avoid.

“Oh! I-um- I'll get uh a. I'm sorry I'll um”

Evan was about to start panicking. Again. Ordering was already hard enough, even without being caught totally off guard. _What do i do what do i say what do i do what do i say fuck-_

“He'll have the same thing.”

Evan gratefully nodded.

“Y-yes. That.”

“Alrighty then. Is that all for you two?”

Connor turned to Evan, seemingly for confirmation. He hesitated for a moment and nodded his head overly sharply.

“That’s it all” Connor told her sharply. Evan still wasn't sure why Connor was so aggressive towards this lady, but he trusted Connor’s judgement.

“Here you go hun” Karen said, handing then their ice cream. “Your total is $7.39”

Connor handed over a 10, and without another word left the building. Evan scurried quickly after him.

Once they had safely climbed into the car Connor started on his ice cream. Apparently, his usual was just plain vanilla.

Connor glanced at him and caught him staring at the vanilla ice cream.

“Do you not like vanilla?” Connor sounded genuinely concerned over Evan's opinion on his ice cream.

“Oh n-no I like- I like it I just well um just I was thinking just um that vanilla is w-well it's kind of plain to to be yo-your usual notthattheresanythingwrongwithplainiwasjustsurprisedandnevermindimsorryijust”

“Hey, Evan, it's okay. Try and take a deep breath for me, okay?”

“O-okay”

“And for your information, vanilla is the white of ice cream. White contains all the colors of the spectrum, and vanilla ice cream is the epitome of all flavors. You can change it to make whatever flavor you want, or leave it as is and experience the best of all flavors. Why would you ever _not_ want vanilla flavor for your ice cream? It's got it all.”

It was stupid really, all Connor had done was talk about his ice cream preferences, but Evan was starting to feel surprisingly better. Maybe it wasn't such a had thing that he had accepted the invitation to come out here. Still, there was one thing that remained lingering in Evan's mind. A simple question, really.

Hanging out with Connor had been great. Evan hadn't felt so strangely _not_ alone since, well, as long as he can remember. But there must have been a reason no one had wanted to be around him. People were mean, but they didn't just all decide to hate someone for no reason. So clearly Evan had to be a horrible person. Which brought up Evan's question. Why had Connor wanted to hang out with him? Of all people, why Evan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I completely lost all motivation, and had to slowly build it back up again. I hope to post more frequently in the future but mental health can be a lot to work around. Anyway, thank you for the support and I hope you like this chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added some to the previous chapter. It was same day, so you probably read it all, but if events don't line up I'd check there

The drive back from their adventure to get ice cream was relatively silent other than Evan softly telling Connor where he lived. Both boys were eating their ice cream, and Evan was, unsurprisingly, stuck in his head now, wondering why Connor had chosen to hang out with _him_. Sure the kids at school were mean, or annoying, or loud, but who’s to say Evan isn't?

Evam talked too much or too little. He was too quiet most of the time, but randomly starts yelling everything he means to say without even realizing it. He was weird and gross and sweaty and he was messy and oh so unstable and why would anyone want to hang out with him why had Connor asked was it pity? It had to be pity Connor pitied hi-

“Hey, Hansen, are you okay?” Connor interrupted Evan's thought. “You're looking kind of pale, and you didn't respond when I tried calling you earlier.”

“Oh I- uh no I-I’m fine.”

Connor glanced at Evan skeptically (thankfully it was just a glance because Connor was still driving them) “Are you sure about that?”

“Y-Yeah I was just- just thinking about something”

“What kind of something?”

“Oh um nothing important…”

“If it's enough for you to dwell on like this, then it's enough to be important” They weren't all that far from Evan's house now.

“I just um I- I had a lot of fun b-but why um why did you ask _me_? Just um I'm I can be annoying and stressful and I'm I'm really weird and I- there are so many better people you could-”

“Nope” Connor interrupted him.

“I- What?”

“You're the best person at our school. I should know. I've been called crazy by them all. Also annoying or stressful. And yeah you're a bit weird but so am I. It would be a bit hypocritical if I didn't like you just because of that.” He elaborated.

“S-sure.”

“Really.”

Evan would have continued the conversation further, but at that moment they pulled up at Evan's house. The driveway was still empty, which Evan had honestly expected.

“I- I guess I'm going now.”

“Yeah. I had fun today” Connor tentatively added.

“Me too” Evan replied with a small smile.

“Hey- um no one's signed your cast”

“O-oh I know.”

“Do you have a sharpie?” Connor asked him.

Evan fished through his bag until he found the marker he had brought with him.

Connor grabbed his arm a bit sharply and wrote his name, first and last, in big block letters, covering most of the available space. Anyone else trying to sign would have a hard time finding space to fit their name in - not that anyone else was going to sign it. At least this way Evan could pretend no one else had signed it because they couldn't.

“Now we can both pretend we have a friend.”

“Y-yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Alright”

“Have- Have a nice evening!”

“You too Hansen.”

With that Evan shut the door, and Connor drove away. Evan looked down at the name on his arm and noticed something he hadn't seen before. There was a number written in smaller script below Connor’s name. When had he put that there?

Evan quickly put the number in his phone before he forgot to, sending a text to Connor

**Evan:**

This is you, right?

You as in Connor, sorry

Evan noticed there was a message left on the answering machine when he got into the house. Checking the caller ID he confirmed that it was his mom. He pressed the play button and wandered over to the counter.

“Hey buddy, I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to tell you that I won't be home until late. Make sure you have something to eat, you know where the money is if you decide to have something delivered. … I have to go now. Remember that I love you so so much honey, I'm always here if you need me. I'll see you tomorrow.”

The machine beeped to show that the message was over. Evan sighed and opened the fridge to see what he'd be having for dinner.

And it was basically empty. Of course. The freezer wasn't any better.

More interested in avoiding talking to the delivery guy than eating something, Evan resigned himself to not having anything to eat. _Not that you would have eaten anything even if there was food here._

Evan felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, scaring the shit out of him until he remembered that he had texted Connor.

**Unknown Number:**

yeh its me

 _Number Saved as:_ **Connor**

**Connor:**

wyd

**Evan:**

Nothing right now. What about you?

**Connor:**

just got home

probably gonna read or smthn

**Evan:**

Cool. I think I'll probably just watch tv or something for an hour or two.

Evan made his way over to the tv in the main room.

**Connor:**

shit parents talking to me

i have to to

talk tomorrow?

**Evan:**

Yeah, let's talk tomorrow.

Good luck with your parents.

Goodnight.

Now actually alone for the night, Evan flipped through Netflix until he found something mildly interesting to watch. He turned on the show and finally gave into his thoughts, letting them run over his mind.

Probably not a good idea if Evan was being honest with himself (Definitely not a good idea) but no one was here to tell him not to, and Evan was exhausted enough as is.

Besides, whatever his brain thinks up couldn't be as bad as the emptiness Evan can feel creeping in.

  


Pulled in, smiling at the text from Evan. He had honestly expected not to receive anything at all, or at least not for a while.

Of course the smile left when he actually entered the house. Trying to be quiet, in order to avoid everyone, Connor headed to his room. Of course Zoe caught him.

“Oh. You're back.” The distaste was obvious in her tone.

The small pause required to listen to her was apparently just enough for his parents to catch up to him.

“Oh Connor, you're back.” His mom was less accusatory, simply stating facts rather than try and lecture him.

Larry, of course, was another story.

“Where exactly have you been young man?”

Sending off a quick text to Evan, Connor ignored Larry.

“He's probably been out smoking.” Zoe took it upon herself to answer for Connor apparently.

“Well?” Larry asked again.

“I was with a friend. That a problem for you?” Connor snapped.

“A friend?” his mom sounded overjoyed, but the skepticism was still obvious in her voice.

“Yup. A real, live friend. Crazy, I know.”

“I'm gonna go to my room, cool? Cool.” Connor stalked out of the room and up to his bedroom where he promptly locked the door. Reaching for his shelf, he grabbed the first book that didn't look like utter garbage and started reading.

Still he couldn't help but dwell on how he had called Evan his friend without hesitation. _Don't kid yourself Connor, the kid only hung out with you because he was intimidated by you. Come on, who would actually want to hang out with you?_

Connor didn't end up reading any of the book. He was too caught up in his mind to even try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind if short. I hope you like it.  
> Also, story time, I have crippling anxiety and I know I talk to quiet sometimes and so I actively try to combat that by telling myself to talk louder. Sometimes I think I'm being quiet when I'm actually talking normal tho and so I just start getting louder and then I end up shouting everything that I meant to say normally. So if anyone wondered that's where it comes from as one of the bad things Evan thinks about himself in the car.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to write creative chapter titles, but I'm horrible so I won't  
> This one's kind of short, sorry, I'm bad at things so yeah.
> 
> Short story, I'm like hella ace, and demi-romantic, so I have to be crazy close to someone before I start to like them, right? But like last week I met this one kid and I started liking him right away and I was really confused, and like a few days later I realized he looked exactly like Connor does in my head. Basically I thought I liked the kid becuase I love Connor so much and just associated the two in my head. As soon as I realised this, the attraction kinda left, but yeah. Fun story.

It was a long night. Connor refused to let himself get any sleep, actively avoiding the prospect. He liked being sleep deprived. It helped him deal with a world of shit. Not that it actually helped, it mostly just aided his avoiding of anything serious. It filled his brain with white noise and pain so that he wouldn't have the option of thinking.

Of course there were other ways to achieve this same result. Namely, getting high, but Connor was very unfortunately out of everything. No weed, no dmt, and his parents had found his vape last week which was fucking horrible. At least they didn't talk to him about it. They just took it and left. He didn't have anything left, and hus dealer had gone out of town. It had been a couple weeks, and Connor still had no idea when the guy would be back.

The only available way he had of getting rid of his thoughts was to deprive himself of the basic requirements needed to, you know, not die. This wasn't a healthy coping mechanism, but since when had Connor cared? Not to mention, Connor had looked into healthy ways to cope on several occasions. They were complete bullshit. And it's not like he was struggling. Crazily enough, thinking about all the ways you failed everyone around you, and how no one would spend time with you if not for pity or fear. Not that they do even with those two factors. And, honestly, there were plenty of things Connor could do. Countless horrible coping mechanisms.

This was going to be an interesting night for Connor.

~  ~  ~

“You look like shit”

Of course this was the first thing Zoe would say to him all fucking day. Great positivity.

“Thanks” Connor replied dryly. He normally would have said much worse, but he just wasn't up for it. His head was so damn fuzzy. Good. That meant it worked. Connor couldn't really bring himself to care.

He barged past Zoe into the kitchen, moving to dig through the fridge. Nothing even close to edibe. Eh. He grabbed a half empty carton of milk and downed it. He apparently wasn't fast enough though, because when he finished, he turned to see Zoe had entered the room. And was staring at him like he had brutally murdered a child in front of her.

“Angry much?”

“Like you're one to talk.”

“Fuck you.”

“Oh, wow. I’m hurt.”

“Better hurry if you don't want to get left behind. We wouldn't want that, without the drive to school, how would you be able to make me want to stab someone before I start my day?”

Zoe gave him that annoying fucking condescending smile, “I have my ways.”

There was a lot of white noise in Connor's head, but of course, anger was consistently burning through that. Why could Zoe just have left him the fuck alone for once.

Of course, Zoe interrupted his thoughts.  

“So we going or not?”

“Well, if not is an option…”

“It isn't.”

“I guess we're fucking going then.”

The two walked to the car in silence, Connor setting his bag in the front seat, effectively forcing Zoe to the back. Good.

“You seem weird today.”

“And you seem to have a fucking death wish, but, see, I'm not an annoying, micromanaging, little bitch, so I'm minding my own fucking business.” 

Zoe glared at him. Whatever. He didn't give a fuck. She seemed to want to say more, but decided against it. Probably because Connor was driving at the moment.

The thing is, now the the anger that had destroyed his many, many walls of feeling completely empty was gone, the pain was returning. Yay. Thanks Zoe.

Connor turned one more corner, and the high school was finally in sight.

“Are you sure there's nothing you want to talk about?”

Huh. Zoe was actually getting to be okay at acting because if Connor didn't know better, he'd almost think she cared. Maybe. Whatever. It was just an act. Probably so she could tell their parents everything. Woe, perfect little Zoe, how sad she has to have the brother who's  _ even more _ of a screwup than we thought.

“Full offense, but you are the last person I want to talk to. About anything. Ever.”

Deciding he was close enough to the school,  Connor pulled over.

“Out.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“You have to go to school Connor.”

“You have to get out of this car right fucking now or I am going to force you out.”

Zoe must have finally given up micromanaging every detail of his life because she actually got up and left. As she walked away, Connor took a moment to bring back the fuzzy feeling of this morning. He rubbed his hands along his sleeves, purposefully agitating the damage to his arms.

Connor was about to leave when out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone. 

Evan.

Great.

He looked kind of sad. Kind of really sad. Was he okay?

Before realising what he was doing, Connor rolled down the window and called out to him.

“Hey Hansen! Skip with me?”

Evan looked up at him, startled.

_ What am I doing? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING - JUST A BUNCH OF CRAP ABOUT HOW MY LIFE IS SHIT
> 
> So spring break started, which would be pretty exciting if I weren't so sure all of my friends hate me. And normally I would be like, oh yeah it's just my anxiety, but I confronted the friend I thought I was closest to about it and they basically told me I was clingy and they wanted me to back off from their life kind of a lot, so it's hard to pretend they don't actually hate me. Also, there's the fact that they hang out all the time and no one invites me, which, I get it. I just kind of wish they liked me as much as I like all of them. Whatever. Also, I don't even have anyone to talk to about this with, because it's about all my friends, I'm not comfortable talking one on one with strangers, and I can't let my parents know how depressed I am so I can't get a therapist. It's fucking great. Everything's falling apart. This isn't even all of it, but I don't want to bore anyone so yeah. Thanks for reading, I hope I can post another chapter soon, but I mean, depression is a struggle. I'll do my best. Thank you for your understanding.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um this is awkward ahh  
> TRIGGER WARNING  
> MENTIONS OF SELF HARM  
> AND LIKE A DESCRIPTION  
> Yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't write this quite as good as I had hoped, but I'm working in being less of a perfectionist, so that I actually finish things instead of giving up halfway, so yeah...
> 
> Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I have decided that I'm not going to reply to them anymore, but I will definitely be reading them. I appreciate all of your opinions and advice, and I definitely appreciate any input for the story. I have no idea where this is going, but I love writing it. Thank you for your support.  
> ______________________

_What is he doing?_

“W-What? Skip- skip school?”

“Right, nevermind. Of course you don't skip school. Probably should have known-”

“I'll go.” Evan blurted out, interrupting Connor.

“Wait. You will?”

“I- well, um, I- yeah.”

“Really?” Connor looked surprised. Whether this was because Evan was skipping school,  or because Evan was skipping school with _Connor,_ was unknown.

“Well, I just, um, I.. wasn't um actually going to go anyway?” Evan's voice trailed off near the end of what he was saying.

“You what?”

Evan fidgeted with the bottom of his jacket uncomfortably.

“I-I ju- I just, um, I didn't- I don't, well”

“Come on in then.”

Glad he wouldn't have to explain himself, Evan walked over to the car. He was about to sit in the back, but Connor grabbed the bag he had in the front seat, and tossed it in the back. Evan smiled slightly, and sat in the now cleared passenger seat. He didn't have his own bag with him.

“Where to?”

“Oh. Well I- I don't really, um, care?”

Connor eyed Evan, considering something.

“Alright.”

He backed out the car and started driving somewhere. Evan didn't bother to ask where. He’d find out soon enough.

**_______**

Connor had no idea what he was doing. He never did stuff like this! Asking someone to hang out? Asking them to skip school in order to do so? Acting like they were friends? This wasn't Connor. He didn't have friends, not even before he was the school shooter kid.

Why had Evan agreed? What if he was just scared of Connor? He was probably just scared of Connor. Evan had only said he'd go out of fear. _Damnit_. Connor was messing everything up without even trying. Not that there was anything there to mess up.

But Evan had been nice to him. He was the only one who'd been anything close to a friend in the longest time. Even if it was because Evan was scared, there was a possibility. Connor couldn't ruin that. It was all he had.

Connor looked up to realize they had arrived. That was fast. He quickly pulled over.

“Why- Why did we- Are we here?” Evan gave Connor a small, confused look.

“I'm sorry.” Connor turned so that he was looking at Evan.

“W-Why? Did I-”

“You didn't do anything.” Connor interjected. “I'm sorry. You didn't have to come. I shouldn't have made you.”

“You- But you didn't- You never forced me. I- I wanted to.” The boy seemed even more confused. Well Evan wasn't the only confused one in here. Why was he pretending he wanted to be here? Fuck. Sleep deprivation was really not helping Connor figure this out.

There were too many thoughts in Connor's head. Too many assumptions. Too many emotions. Without thinking, he grabbed his arm tightly and twisted.

Immediately pain sharpened his mind and cleared some of the thoughts. This helped him realize his mistake.

He had winced.

Connor froze. He wondered if Evan had noticed. What would he do? Would he realize how pathetic Connor was? Would he know?

**_______**

A wince. Evan began thinking. The whole grab and the twist, how Connor froze after the noise, the conversation, and a wince.

It wasn't much. It wasn't much at all, but Evan was used to not much. Both receiving and giving. He turned to look at Connor, who was still frozen.

Evan barely knew Connor. The first time they had talked was **yesterday** . Connor was none of Evan's business. So why did the idea of Connor doing something to himself hurt _so much_?

Evan moved carefully. He didn't register the shaking that had started in his hands. He didn't register the way his breathing picked up. He didn't register the anxiety, for the first time in as long as he can remember. His mind was calm, peaceful.

He gently lifted Connor's arm. Evan softly pulled back the sleeve of his jacket and took in a shaky breath.

There were countless scars. The new ones alone would normally be overwhelming to Evan, but there were more. Some looked completely healed, while some looked like they had only been made that week. He lightly ran his thumb over the disturbingly neat lines. Only one thought ran through Evan's mind. _Why?_

Connor inhaled turned sharply to watch Evan. His eyes intently followed any move the boy made.

Evan's voice was gentle, much like his thumb, now softly stroking the marks on Connor's arm.

“What happened?”

Connor shrugged slightly, “Isn't it obvious?”

“But why?”

Connor simply looked away and shrugged again.

Evan was silent for a moment. He released Connor's arm and turned so he was fully facing him. Then, he hugged the boy. It was a small gesture. They were both on slightly awkward positions. One of the armrests was between them. Evan's cast got in the way. It was perfect.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry you- you felt like this.”

This surprised Connor. He had expected some sort of disgust, or hatred, or at least for Evan to realize how pathetic he was, but he got none of that. Why? Why did it matter to Evan? Why was he acting like he cared? What did he have to gain from this? None of it could be real, this, Connor was sure of. So why did it feel so genuine?

Connor frantically tried to figure it out. What was Evan doing? Why?

Unwillingly, Connor let out a small, sad, choked noise. Oh. He was crying. Normally this would have bothered Connor. Why didn't he care now?

“I'm here Connor.” Evan said firmly.

“I-I mean I know that- that I don’t- that we aren't v-very close, but- but if you ever need to, um, talk to someone? Um, I'm here.”

They stayed in the awkward, strange, perfect hug for a while. It probably wasn't the best way to help Connor, and it definitely wasn't the only way, but it had been exactly what Connor needed right at that moment. Nothing was fixed. It was a long way from being all better, but somehow, it felt better. Maybe just a bit more manageable.

For the first time in god knows how long, Connor hoped.

Maybe he'd be okay.


	6. Chapter 6

1 minute - After one minute, Connor realized what was happening. After one minute, Connor realized he was being shown real, genuine affection. After one minute, Connor realized that this wasn't a plot. That Evan actually cared.

 

3 minutes - By the time three minutes had passed, Connor started to accept it. Connor began to accept that Evan cared, to accept that Connor cared about Evan as well.

 

30 seconds - once Connor began to accept the reality of this moment, of Evan, of everything, it only took Connor half of a minute to decide that he liked it. That he wanted to be cared about. That he wanted to have people who mattered to him. At 3 minutes and 30 seconds, Connor began to return the hug.

 

5 minutes - The voices came back.  _ You don't deserve to care about people. You don't deserve people who care about you. You don't deserve any of this. _ More voices joined. 

 

6 minutes - Connor decided he didn't care. Sure the thoughts would bother him later, he probably wouldn't be able to focus on anything else, but right now, Connot didn't care. The voices didn't matter. Connor was okay.

 

After 10 minutes, Connor pulled away. The boy would have been content hugging Evan for another 20 minutes at least, but he realized the boy likely was uncomfortable. Not only was it probably incredibly awkward for him, but there were also arm rests in between the two, and bulky seats behind them. Evan would have to be in an extremely uncomfortable position in order to continue the embrace with Connor.

Unsure of how to really thank Evan, how to make him understand how much the action had meant to him, Connor simply said, in that hushed sort of voice reserved for when you see something amazing, “Come with me” He hoped Evan understood.

Connor stepped out of the car, everything seeming slightly surreal. The voices were as loud as they had ever been, but Connor couldn't seem to bring himself to care. He was okay.

“Whe-Where are we?”

“An old apple orchard.”

“Is, um, is this place even, you know, open?”

“Nah. It closed a couple of years ago.” Connor shrugged indifferently and started walking towards the fence.

“Are- Are we allowed to- to go in?”

Connor shrugged. “Probably not. Are you coming?”

Having no response, Evan simply followed Connor the rest of the way to the fence.

“I don't- um, how are we going to, well, get in?”

“We climb! Which… you… obviously can't do with a cast…”

“I- Um, sorry.”

“No, no, I should have realized that. Here, I'll climb over and then I think I can open the gate from inside.”

Before Evan could respond, Connor started climbing the fence surprisingly quickly. In only a couple of minutes, he was over the fence. Connor walked over to the gate and studied where it was being kept shut. 

After pulling on things for a minute, something finally moved and the gate swung open.

Evan walked through and Connor smiled. He closed the gate, took Evan's hand, and  started walking forward.

“Come on”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is really short and not very good and like reallh really late ahh I have tests and am deciding to go to a different school next year, and friends ars still really stressful, so there's a lot going on and it's been difficult finding time and motivation to write this.  
> Also I'm pretty sure there's something up with my brain because I'm getting more and more frequent headaches that keep getting worse and staying longer ans just other stuff like dizziness and unexplained nausea and memory problems and more so that's fun.  
> The single good thing is that I reconnected eith an old friend and we're actually getting along really well.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for your support, I'm sorry about this chapter, I will try and get back on a schedule of having chapters done.


	7. Chapter 7

Evan looked at Conner. He was- Connor was smiling, and at Evan. He smiled back at Connor, who pointed to a small trail between two apple trees. Evan nodded and the two made their way through the trees, both still smiling ridiculously. It was… nice.

 

They reached a small meadow, and Connor turned to Evan with a glint in his eye.

“I’ll race you to that tree” Connor challenged, pointing at a sycamore on the other side of the field.

“W-What are you, te-ten?” 

Connor walked over to Evan, and leaned over so his lips were dangerously close to Evan's ear. “You want to know what I am? Me?” In a split second Connor turned and dashed toward the tree shouting, “I’m a  **_winner_ ** !” 

Evan burst out laughing and dashed after the other boy. He quickly caught up to Connor, (all that tree climbing must have done him some good) who promptly pointed to a tree on their right, and shouted, “This tree's better!” Before he knew it, Connor was sprinting to the ‘better’ tree. Evan laughed, turning to run after Connor again.

The two continued like this for a while, Evan, being the faster runner, would catch up to Connor, who would immediately point out a new tree, and run to it instead. 

 

Finally, Connor made it to one of the designated trees first. He took in a deep breath and flopped onto his back with a loud sigh. Evan, following closely behind, stopped at the tree, gasping for breath.

Connor grinned at him stupidly from his spot in the grass. “Told- Told you I was a winner!” Connor exclaimed breathlessly.

“You di- You didn't win! You, you cheated!” Evan replied indignantly, sitting down next to Connor.

Connor laughed happily. “Don't be a sore loser, Hansen.”

“You'd need- have to be a winner before I- I could be a loser, Murphy!”

“Yeah? Who made it to the tree first?”

“O-Oh yeah? How- How about first one t-to get up is the real win-winner!”

“You're on Hansen!”

Both boys half-heartedly attempted to get up before Connor sat up with a cheer. Evan groaned in defeat and lied back again.

“Fine, I give up, you win.”

“Ah, so you've finally come to your senses! I will now respond only to titles such as ‘your majesty,’ ‘my liege,’ or ‘your high-’”

Evan interrupted Connor with a laugh. “I think I'll just stick with cheater, cheater.”

“Now, now, Hansen, is that any way to talk to your superior?” Connor smirked at him.

Evan smiled contentedly and let his eyes shut. “Hmm, I guess not… Cheater.”

Connor clicked his tongue in response.

 

The boys relaxed in the silence for a time before Connor spoke again.

“I used to come here a lot with my family.”

Evan turned his head toward Connor and opened his eyes.

“We'd have picnics every month or so that lasted half the day. Me and Zoe, we always begged to stay longer and longer.” Connor lifted his hands over his face and stared at them intently as he continued talking. “We stopped going when, well, when I started, really, being like… this.”

Connor dropped his hands back down and ran them through his hair with a sigh.

“They closed it down a few months later. I- I always really felt that, uh, it was my fault. I mean, what if I hadn't been so- so messed up? Maybe if I could be, just, better I could have gone more. We could have saved this orchard. When I heard that it closed, I just… lost control. I don't really remember what, um, what I did, but,” Connor's voice suddenly got very small, “I think I told Zoe I'd, that I'd kill her… and- and I don't even remember.”

Connor looked at Evan with a horrible, pained expression that carried through to his voice.

“How- How could I say that and then, just, not even remember it? Who does that? Who jus-”

“Hey,” Evan gently interrupted, “Connor, just breathe, ok? Calm down.” Evan waited for Connor's breathing to start calming down before continuing.

“Did you mean it?”

“What? No- I, of course not”

“Would you say it again?”

“Never, I”

“Do you regret it?”

“Yeah, of course I do. Why are y-”

“You're a good person Connor.”

Connor looked at Evan in confusion. “Wha- I- N-”

“You are a good person Connor. You did a bad thing, and it hurt someone, but you are still a good person. You know that it was wrong of you, and you regret it. If you could go back you never would have said it. We've all done bad things, Connor, but only very few of us have the courage to admit it. You need to stop torturing yourself over this, it doesn't help anyone, least of all yourself. You should talk to Zoe, Connor. Tell her that you're sorry.”

“I- do you really think she'll forgive me?”

“I don't know. What I do know, is that it will help. If you want things to get better between the two of you, this is how you have to start.”

“Thanks Evan. I'll.. I'll think about it.” Connor smiled at Evan weakly. “You're a good friend Evan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted this one to just be happy and fun and good but then I got really into it and I had to make Connor be sad again. I HAD TO.


	8. Chapter 8

 

Connor saw Evan turn to him, surprised. He said nothing, only watching the boy out of the corner of his eye. Evan smiled to himself, and looked back up at the sky.

It was a moment before either of them spoke.

“Friends?”

Connor noticed the caution in Evan's voice.

“I mean, yeah, if you want.”

Evan turned to Connor and beamed.

“I-I'd love that.”

“Me too.” Connor smiled softly at Evan. Both boys had been smiling and laughing only a few minutes ago, but Connor's smile still looked new, unnatural, as if Connor hadn't worn the expression for a very long time, and, as far as Evan knew, he hadn't.

Then, because all good things must come to an end, Evan's phone rang.

Evan startled, jumping halfway up to a sitting position. Connor saw the boy hunch his shoulders, embarrassed. Evan pulled the phone out of his pocket, seeing that it was his mom calling. _Shit._ Evan had forgotten to tell her where he was. He had also neglected to tell her he had skipped school. What if the school had called her? Why couldn't Evan have just warned her?

Tentatively, Evan answered the phone.

“Evan? Where are you? I called Jared and he said you had missed school too. Are you okay?”

“I'm- I'm okay. I just, I forgot to- to text you.”

Evan hated calls. Anyone on the other end could hear how anxious he was every time, but Evan couldn't see their body language,  he couldn't tell what they were thinking. What if they were bored, or annoyed, or angry, or-

Evan noticed Connor watching him with concern in his eyes. Evan attempted a reassuring smile, but Connor's concern only seemed to grow.

“Evan, you should have told me.”

“I- I know.”

“Where are you now?”

“Oh. I, um, am with a friend.”

“That's great honey! Who is it?”

“Um, Connor Murphy?”

“Isn't he that kid that threw a printer at the teacher in second grade?”

“I don't. I don't know.”

“Well I'm glad you made a friend, Evan. I do need to talk to you though, do you think you can come home?”

“I, um, sure.”

“All right, I'll see you soon sweetie. I love you.”

“See you soon. Lov-love you mom.”

Heidi hung up then.

Evan warily met Connor's eyes. “I- I have to go now.”

“You okay?”

Evan gave a small nod, and a tight-lipped smile.

“Can you, um, can you drive me?”

Connor wasn't any less worried, but decided not to press Evan on it too hard. “Of course.”

“Thank yo-you.”

The two entered the car in silence. Connor could practically feel the anxious energy radiating off of Evan as he pulled out.

“What was it?”

“My. My mom. I, um, forgot. I didn't tell her I was, um missing school.” Evan ducked his head, looking ashamed. “She was r-real really worried.”

“Hey, it'll be okay, I'm sure she'd understand.” Connor glanced at Evan, noticing the boy picking at the bottom of his shirt.

“May- maybe.” Evan didn't sound very convinced.

“Do you want me to wait outside in case you need a getaway car?” Connor attempted a joke.

Evan gave a small half-smile, but it seemed wrong, fake.

Connor finally reached Evan's house, having vaguely remembered its location from the last time he had driven Evan home.

“Hey,” Connor waited until Evan looked at him before continuing, “text me, okay? I'll be there.”

Evan nodded once, and got out of the car. Saying nothing, he gave Connor a small wave and walked away. Connor watched the boy enter his house, before pulling out his phone.

**Connor:**

Text me when it's over, I'll be right here.”

Not having anywhere else to go, Connor headed home.

**_______**

Connor pulled into his driveway, and took a deep breath. He headed inside.

“Come here, son.” Larry. He hadn't even waited for Connor to close the door. Reluctantly, Connor walked towards the voice. “What?”

“So you missed school.” Larry turned around and looked at Connor expectantly. What he was expecting, however, was lost to Connor who decided to just go with the easiest option. Nod and agree.

“So I did.”

“And why was that?”

“Because I didn't fu- didn't want to go.”

“So what are you going to do to make it right?” Larry looked at Connor, obviously annoyed.

“How about… I do nothing. Yeah, I like that idea, I'll do nothing. Is that all?” Connor turned to leave, the sooner he was out of here, the better.

“Connor.” Connor paused.

“Give me your phone.”

“What?”

“You can have it back when you think of a way to make this right. Now give me the phone.”

“No.”

“Connor give me your phone.”

“I need it.”

“Then you better come up with an idea fast. Give me the phone now, or you're losing car privileges too.”

“I bought that car! You have no right!”

“I am your father, I have every right. Give me your phone.”

“Fine, take the car, but I need my phone!”

“Your generation and their devices. You're all too dependant. A break will do you good, Connor, give me the phone.” Larry stepped closer to Connor, his arm outstretched.

Connor was stuck. There was nowhere he could go and nothing he could say.

“Fine.” Connor dropped his phone on the ground and stormed upstairs. He made it to his room, shoving the door shut, but catching it right before it slammed and shutting it silently.

He needed that phone back, he needed to be there for Evan.

Connor paced the room, trying to think of something, anything. His eyes locked on the window.

Connor had an idea.

**________**

Evan entered the house, quickly taking off his shoes and setting them next to the door. Heidi was sitting in the dining room with a box of pizza next to her. The air smelled faintly of something burned, and Evan wondered absently if she had tried to cook something.

“Hey honey.”

“Hey Mom.”

Heidi patted the seat next to her, inviting Evan to come sit. He nervously walked over and settled himself into to seat. Once he was comfortable, Heidi spoke.

“So you just decided not to eat last night.” She sounded disappointed and disapproving.

“I wasn't… hungry.” Evan looked down at the food on the table. When had he last eaten? Maybe breakfast yesterday?

“You're a senior in high school, Evan, you need to be able to order dinner for yourself.

Evan looked down at his hands, finding them picking at the bottom of his shirt. He forced them to stop, only to have his leg start bouncing.

“You can do it all online now, you don't even have to talk to anyone, it's easy.”

“It's- It's not easy. You have to talk to the delivery person and then give them the money and then just wait for them to count out change in silence and. It's just not that easy.”

This is what you're supposed to be working on with Doctor Sherman, Evan, talking to people.

Evan looked down again to find himself fiddling with the bottom of his shirt once more. “I- I am, it just takes time, I'm trying.”

“I know you are honey.”

“So what is this about you skipping school today? Why didn't you call me?”

“I just, um, forgot to is all, I'm sorry.”

“Why did you skip school?”

“It was just. Too much?”

“Evan, you're supposed to tell me when you have days like this, remember?”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

Heidi sighed, and Evan knew he had disappointed her. “It's okay.”

“It's pretty late, why don't you have something to eat and go to bed? I'm sorry, I can't stay up with you, I have an early day tomorrow.” Right then, Evan's stomach growled loudly. Heidi smiled at Evan, and took the opportunity to leave to her room.

Evan grabbed a plate and slice of pizza and went up to his room. Upin entering, he immediately set the pizza on his nightstand. Evan knew he wouldn't be eating it. It's not that he wasn't hungry, he just couldn't bring himself to swallow anything right then.

Evan pulled out his phone, and checked the message from Connor. He sent a quick reply, and set the phone down. He laid face-down on the bed, hoping Connor would text back soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep messing things up and I don't know how to stop. I don't know how I'm ruining everything, I don't know how to fix it, and I don't know how to ask for help. I know there are people around me, but I just feel alone. Idk it's stupid. I hope you liked this chapter, goodnight.


	9. Chapter 9 *UPDATED*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I CHANGED THIS CHAPTER  
> Okay so I really hated how this chapter ended before. It kind of put me in a dead end so I changed the end of it and added more so it's better now and has an actual direction. I'll also add something about this at the start of the next chapter.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Connor was almost there. He slowed to a comfortable stroll, not wanting to show up at Evan's looking like he had just run all the way to the boy’s house. Even if that was exactly what had happened. Connor approached the house warily. This was a bad idea. What was he thinking?

Whatever, it was too late now. He might as well try. 

Connor noticed a small light turn on through a window in the second floor.  _ Well, shit. _ He noticed the tree next to the window and glared at it for a minute contemplatively.

Connor sighed and walked over to the tree. He grabbed a relatively low branch and pulled himself up. The tree was remarkably easy to climb until Connor was level with the window. He glanced into the room, feeling relieved when he saw Evan. This was the right room.

Connor cautiously grabbed a branch to his side and made his way over to the window that, thankfully wasn't too far from the tree or the ground.

Connor made it close enough to touch the window and tried to pull it up. He grinned when the window moved up a little. 

With a little bit of effort and some precarious balancing, Connor finally managed to open the window. He climbed into the room carefully, trying not to knock over the plants on the windowsill.

Connor crept to where Evan was curled up on his bed. He wasn't sure why he was sneaking around, but it felt appropriate. 

Softly. In a hopeless attempt not to startle Evan, Connor spoke.

“Hey.”

Evan jumped and looked at Connor. Just as quickly as he had turned to Connor, Evan looked away. He reached up to his eyes and rubbed at them with his jacket sleeve.

It took Connor embarrassingly long to realize that… Evan had been crying.

Connor was  _ not _ good at comforting people. In fact, he was very skilled at doing the opposite. Usually he was the reason people needed comforting in the first place.

“He-Hey.”

Evan attempted to sound nonchalant, but it was obviously forced.

“How… How did you ge- get in here?...  _ Why _ are- are you in here?”

“I climbed the tree,” Connor shrugged awkwardly, his words left hanging in the air as he tried to figure out how to make Evan feel better, “My parents took away my phone and, well, I told you I'd talk to you so… here I am, talking to you.”

Evan nodded slowly, but didn't otherwise acknowledge Connor. He just sat on the side of his bed, staring at the space in front of him absently.

Connor cautiously sat next to Evan. Neither boy spoke for a long while. Connor didn't know what to say or if he should even say anything at all, and Evan was barely even there.

After a few uncomfortable minutes, Connor cleared his throat awkwardly and spoke, “Why did the duck cross the road?”

Connor waited, giving Evan a chance to reply, though he didn't expect any answer. As soon as it was clear Evan wasn't going to say anything, Connor continued.

“Because he wanted to prove he wasn't chicken.”

A smile flicked across Evan's face, but disappeared just as quickly.

Connor took this as a sign to continue, and spoke again.

“What did the drummer name his twin daughters?”

Connor gave Evan time to respond again, but continued before it could get uncomfortable. He gave the reply like he was starting off a band, “Anna one! Anna two!” Connor even clicked imaginary drumsticks over his head.

Evan shook his head, but smiled softly. Connor took this as his que to keep going.

“Knock, knock”

Evan replied quietly right as Connor was about to say the line for him. 

“Who's there?”

“Ben.”

This time Evan replied soon after Connor, but was still very quiet, “Ben who?”

Connor grinned softly before answering.

“Ben me, I live next door!”

Evan laughed softly, whispering, “You're s-so bad at this.”

It took Evan a moment to realize what he had said. However, as soon as he did he froze. Evan opened his mouth to apologize or let and explanation ramble out or  _ something _ , but before he could speak, Connor interrupted him. He was laughing.

“You're not wrong, I have no idea what I'm doing,” Connor gave Evan a little half smile, “Although, I  _ did _ manage to make you smile, so maybe I'm not as bad at this as I thought.”

Evan chuckled softly, “Yeah, maybe.”

Both boys laughed softly, letting the sound fade out. Neither felt the need to fill it, but knew that they could if they so wished.

Connor was the one to break it again.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?”

Evan paused for a moment before cautiously replying, “I'd rather not.”

“Alright.” 

Connor flopped back on the bed and began telling Evan another horrible joke. Evan smiled thankfully and lied back next to him. After a while, he began telling jokes of his own.

**_______**

Connor lost track of how long they lied there, telling each other the worst jokes they could think of. They had managed to move so that both boys had their heads on a pillow and were looking up to the ceiling. It wasn't until Evan yawned in the middle of one of his jokes that Connor realized he was struggling to keep his eyes open.

Connor forgot, in that moment, about Zoe. He forgot about his parents. He forgot that he had snuck out of the house. Connor forgot that he wasn't supposed to be in Evan's room in that moment, because it was comfortable. It felt natural.

Connor smiled sleepily as he started his next joke. He turned his head to look at the boy beside him.

Connor fell asleep before he could tell the punchline.


End file.
